Never Split the Difference
Written by Chris Voss
TOC
Synposis
Chris Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator. He argues that the text book way to negiotate is outdated and effective. He proposes a set of rules using psychology and communication.
Humans make decisions using emotions so we must understand the other persons perspective, how to build rapport and listen actively.
The book describes techniques like labeling, mirroring, accustation auditing, calculating questions, anchoring and voice changing to be a more effective negiotator. He also makes a point that no deal is better than a compromise.
Chris provides many antecdotes from his students and his career as a negotiator.
Review
This is a rare combo of a compelling read, interesting science with citations and acts as a how-to guide for negotiation.
It fun and useful to read.
Who Should Read This Book?
If you are interested in psychology or negotiation or if you have trouble reaching people I recommend this book. It's good for professional and personal relationships.
Chapter 1 The New Rules
2 decades in the fbi, lead international kidnapping negotiator Mnookin Harvard negotiation research And ex Israeli The open ended question- how do I know he’s alive How would he solve my problems
The smartest dumb guy in the room
Other guy would give price and author would respond with some variation of “how am I supposed to do that?” Answering calibrated questions made them falter and negotiate with themselves
Old school negotiating
Until 72 Olympics and prison riot every hostage situation was an armed rescue A hijacking in 1972 went wrong when the fbi got impatient even though the hijacker was going to let the hostages go
Getting to Yes 1980 was first book from Harvard negotiation project. Core assertion was that the emotionally brain could be overcome with a rational, joint problem solving mindset 1. Separate the person/emotion from the problem 2. Why they are asking instead of what 3. Work cooperatively to generate win-win 4. Establish mutually agreed upon standards for evaluating those solutions In Chicago, behavioral economics won a Nobel prize. Man is irrational and feeling is a form of thinking Baffled Kahneman who said “it is self-evident that people are neither fully rational nor completely selfish, and their tastes are anything but stable’
Humans suffer from cognitive bias, unconscious and irrational Brain processes that distort, there are 150 of them like how a problem is framed, prospect theory, loss aversion System 1 - our animal mind, is fast, instinctive and emotional System 2 - slow, deliberative, and logical. System 1 is far more influential and guides and steers our rational thoughts System 1 makes the inputs for system 2
By asking ‘how am I supposed to do that’, author influenced his system 1 into accepting that his offer wasn’t good
The FBI Gets Emotional
Getting to yes was useful. Enter negotiations with a BATNA: the best alternative to a negotiated agreement
After Waco there was no denying irrationality. Have you tried finding a win-win with a guy who thinks he’s the messiah Emotionally driven incidents, not rational bargaining interactions were more common for police 1. Calm people down 2. Establish rapport 3. Gain trust 4. Elicit the verbalization on of needs 5. Persuade the other guy of our empathy ‘ Universally applicable premise: people want to be understood and accepted. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy When individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and openly evaluate their own thoughts. Tend be less defensive and more willing to listen to other points of view Tactical empathy- listening as a martial art.
Life is negotiation
The majority of interactions we have are negotiations that boil down to “I want” Communication with results. Getting what you want from and with other people. Get over your aversion to negotiating. You don’t need to like it but know its how the world works. In this world you get what you ask for, but you have to ask correctly. Effective negotiation is applied people smarts, a psychological edge in every domain of life: 1. How to size someone up 2. How to influence their sizing up of you 3. How to use that knowledge to get what you want A hostage negotiator has to win without giving anything back and leave them happy
Chapter 2 Be a Mirror
Active listening
Assumptions blind, hypotheses guide
Great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal surprises they are certain to exist Hold multiple hypotheses about the situation, their counterpart wants in their mind at the same time. Test and winnow true from false in their minds Your goal at the outset is to extract and observe as much information as possible. Smart people often think they don’t have much to discover. Great negotiators are able to question the assumptions that the rest of the involved players accept on faith or in arrogance, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities and more agile
Be aware of a counterparts overuse of personal pronounces we/they or me/I, the less important he makes himself the more important he probably is
This bank robber made them think he wanted to surrender but was the other guys.
Calm the schizophrenic
As many as 5 people on the line for extra ears One trying to gauge the the mood of the bad guy, one guy listening in for clues to ‘tells’ that might give them a better read We are easily distracted, selective listening, cognitive bias for consistency rather than truth. We are preoccupied by arguments in support of our position and can only hold 7 pieces of information When viewed as a battle people only listen to the voices in their head about what to say next instead of listening to the other person
In the early goings make your sole-all encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say Needs are the minimum to make us act and make us vulnerable. SLOW. IT. DOWN. The leader was constantly making a frenzy of things. They thought there were multiple hostages but there weren’t and the other guys didn’t even know they were doing this. When you slow it down you also calm it down. If they are talking they are not shooting
The Voice
Switched to late-night FM DJ voice People focus on what to say or do but it’s how we are (demeanor and delivery) that is both the easiest and most immediately effective Involuntary neurological telepathy 3 tones available: 1. Late night do 2. Positive/playful 3. Direct or assertive (rarely use) Most of the time playful. Easygoing, good-natured person, attitude is light and encouraging. Smile while talking has an impact tonally When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly and more likely to collaborate
DJ > playful with watts to show he has the answers. Talking slowly and clearly with downward inflection “We don’t do work-for-hire” Can be very direct and to the point as long as you create safety by a tone of voice that says I’m okay, you’re okay, let’s figure things out.
Mirroring
“You chased my driver away” “We chased your driver away?”the author mirrored Mirroring kept continuing and he was vomiting info. Mirroring, aka isopraxism, is essentially imitation. Can comfort people to talk in the same way, tempo, vocab. Fear what’s different and drawn to what’s similar For the fbi, a “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to 3 words) of what someone has just said Waiters who mirror order back got 70% more tip
Chris was burning cash in between being on the phone Bobby was other robber and was a straight shooter. Asked Bobby if he wanted to come out and he said how. Went out in bulletproof gear but door was barred which made a tense moment Chris got spooked by a bug being drilled in but eventually let hostages go and walked out
How to confront and get your way without confrontation
Mirroring allows you to disagree without being disagreeable 1. Late night dj voice 2. Start with I’m sorry 3. Mirror 4. At least 4 seconds of silence 5. Repeat “I’m sorry two copies?” Intention should be “please help me understand “ Mirror gets clarity while reflecting respect and concern. Will make you feel awkward when you first try
Key lessons
Conversation and rapport. Quickly establishing relationships Best ever is Oprah - Try to reveal surprises - Don’t commit to assumptions - Negotiation is not a battle, it’s a process of discovery - Make your sole focus the other person and what they have to say - Slow it down Put a smile on your face
Chapter 3 don’t feel their pain, label it
They used to say separate the people from the problem but they are the problem. Emotions are the means not obstacles The more you know about someone the more power you have
Tactical empathy
No telephone so had to speak through the door for 6 hours. They said that the author calmed them down
Playing dumb is a valid technique. “I dont understand” ignoring the other party only builds up frustration and less likely to do what you want.
Empathy - “the ability to recognize the perspective of the a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.” Tactical empathy is understand the feelings and mindset in one moment and what is behind those feelings. Understanding emotional obstacles and pathways to getting an agreement done
To improve neural resonance skills, turn attention to someone talking, imagine you are that person, visualize yourself in the position they describe, put in as much detail as you can
Labeling
“It looks like you don’t want to come out. It seems like you worry that if you open the door, we’ll come in with guns blazing. It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail.” Feelings -> words- > repeated their emotions back to them Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotions by acknowledging it. Shortcut to intimacy
Has a special advantage when counter part is tense. Exposing negative thoughts makes them seem less frightening
Labeling an emotion in a photo uses rational part of brain vs just looking at faces expressing strong emotion uses the amygdala
Very specific rules about form and delivery They expect people to say dont you dare tell me how i feel but people never even notice Look at body clues when you ask a question. Detecting the other persons emotional state
It sounds like NOT I’m hearing that.
I get’s peoples guards up. Makes you take personal responsibility for what follows
When you label as a neutral statement of understanding it encourages responses
Last rule is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen. “ It seems like you like the way that shirt looks.” Dont also ask “where did you get it”
Neutralize the negative reinforce the positive
Labeling is a tactic, not a strategy the same way a spoon is a tool but not a recipe
Deployed well its how negotiators identify and alter the inner voices ‘Presenting behavior’ - part above you can see and hear ‘Underlying’ is what motivates the behavior Grandfather at a family holiday dinner. Presenting cranky but underlying is a sad sense of loneliness from his family never seeing him
Good negotiations address underlying emotions. Negatives diffuses, positive reinforce.
Next time you have to apologize for a bone-headed mistake go right at it. Acknowledge the negative and diffuse it. Acknowledge anger, “look, I’m an asshole”
Acknowledge sadness in a nonjudgmental way - We don’t see each other all that often. Offer positive solution. “For us this is a real trae at. We want to value this time with you.” Observe, without reaction and judgement, label, an then replace with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.
Redskins season ticket holder calls. YOUR redskins
Clear the road before advertising the destination
Faster we interrupt the amygdala -> faster clear the road -> quicker can generate feels of safety and trust
Empathy is a powerful mood enhancer Girl Scouts fundraiser would show snapshots and letters that would match the profile of wealthy donors “It seems that you are really passionate about this gift and want to find the right project reflecting the opportunities and life-changing experiences the Girl Scouts gave you.” -> difficult woman signed check and said “you understand me I’m sure you’ll find the right project.”
Do An Accusation Audit
“Sixty seconds or she dies” as ice breaker and level finder. “In case you are worried about being a volunteer, i want to tell you in advance… it’s going to be horrible” “Those who volunteer will probably get more out of this” In court, defense lawyers mention everything their client is accused of and all the weaknesses calling it “taking the sting out”
Business contract with ABC they role played and listed the biggest troubles abc would have with them. This elicited a no i dont think that “We appreciate you are acknowledging what happened and we don’t feel like you are mistreating us”
Get a Seat - and an upgrade - on a sold out flight
Have to use techniques in concert Ryan had to catch a flight. The weather? Label, tactical empathy, label then request
Key lessons
In any interaction, it’s pleasing to feel the other side is listening and acknowledging - Imagine yourself in your counterparts situation. You dont have to agree just acknowledge - The reasons why they wont make a deal are often more powerful then why they would. Clear barriers - Pause after you label or mirror. Let it sink in - Label your counterpart’s fears - List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. Accusation audit. Accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud - You’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood.
Chapter 4 Beware “yes” - master “no”
Telemarketer asks do you drink water. You want to say no but wont Pushing for a yes doesnt mean a win. Can be meaningless For good negotiators, “no” is pure gold. Provides great opportunity for you and the other party to clarify and eliminate Yes and maybe are often worthless but no always alters “No” Starts the negotiation Got a no to start negotiating but was told to try volunteering at a suicide hotline No is the start of the negotiation not the end of it. No doesnt mean “i have considered all the facts and made a rational choice.” Change is scary and “No” provides a little protection from that scariness. Frequently temporary to maintain the status quo
Talk them out is faster than demanding surrender. Counsel adversary permission to say ‘No’. Calms them down Train yourself to hear no as something other than a rejection. Other meanings: - I am not yet ready to agree - You are making me feel uncomfortable - I do not understand - I don’t think i can afford it - I want something else - I need more information - I want to talk it over with someone else What about this doesn’t work for you?
Persuade in their world
If you have a Superman blow hard gladiator negotiation, the other guy will say yes in the moment and then back out later. Three kinds of yes: counterfeit, confirmation and commitment Counterfeit - plans on saying no but feels yes is easier escape route Confirmation - innocent, reflexive response to a black or white question. Affirmation with no promise of action
Humans are used to being pursued for the commitment “yes” as a condition to find out more that they are masters at giving the counterfeit “yes” Goal of negotiator is not to get ‘buy-in’ but to gently guide their counterpart to discover their goal as his own.
60% of callers to hotline were energy vampires no one else would listen. List of frequent callers only got one call a day. Check the list i haven’t called yet you have to talk to me. If they congratulate you then you did too much.
In every negotiation, in every agreement, the result comes from someone else’s decision. We can influence them by inhabiting their world and seeing and hearing exactly what they want.
Driven by 2 primal urges: - The need to feel safe - The need to feel in control You can’t logically convince someone they are safe like Daryl with going outside Primal needs are urgent and illogical. Arguing them into a corner will get a counterfeit yes Nice in the form of feigned sympathy is equally unsuccessful Get in there asking for no. Gives the speaker feelings of safety and control
“No” Is protection
We assume no is a the opposite of yes. By saying no makes them feel in the drivers seat. Engaged and thinking. Is not a bad time to talk >> do you have a few minutes to talk?
Do you want the fbi to be embarrassed? What do you want me to do? No is a liberating moment that every negotiation needs to reach. It’s a reaffirmation of autonomy.
- No allows the real issues to be brought forth
- Protects people from making — and lets them correct — ineffective decisions
- Slows things down so that people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into
- Helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally comfortable and in control of their decisions
- Moves everyone’s efforts forward
Fundraising script start off with an easy no. “Do you feel that if things stay the way they are, America’s best days are ahead of it?”
Purposely mislabel or say “lets talk about what you would say ‘no’ to” and people sometime say no. Without a no, it’s a warning. No no means no go
Email Magic: How to never be ignored again
Being turned down is bad but getting no response is the pits Provoke a “no” with this one-sentence email. “Have you given up on this project?” Plays on natural aversion to loss Implicit threat you are going to walk away on your own terms When your kids won’t leave you say “fine I’m leaving and begin to walk away” It’s not rude, ignoring you is what’s rude
Key Lessons
Difficult to use these lessons because it goes against “be nice” By turning niceness into a lubricant, we’ve leeched it of meaning. A smile and a nod might signify “get me out of here” as much as it means “nice to meet you”
The best way to get your counterpart to feel safe and in control is by getting them to disagree, to draw their own boundaries They are not un-kind but are authentic - Break the habit of trying to get a ‘yes’ - ‘No’ is not a failure. Means wait - ‘Yes’ is the final goal but don’t aim at the start - Saying ‘no’ makes the speaker feel safe, secure and in control so trigger it - Sometimes the only way to get them to engage is forcing a ‘no’. You want this project to fail - Negotiate in their world. Convincing them the solution you want is their own idea - If they are ignoring you, “have you given up”
Chapter 5 - Trigger the two words that immediately transform any negotiation
Crisis Negotiation Unit (CNU) in quantico Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM) 1. Active listening 2. Empathy 3. Rapport 4. Influence 5. Behavior change Real change can only happen when a therapist accepts the client as he or she is Unconditional positive regard instead of if you follow rules etc “That’s right”
Create a subtle epiphany
It was his job to come up with the strategy for a us hostage in Manila. As a result of this case became the fbi’s lead international kidnapping negotiator He saw the terrorist Sabaya as a cold-blooded businessman with a big ego US was offering $5mil for info on fugitives from bombing so they’d pay 10 mil for someone they like Mother had maybe 10k and us wasnt going to pay unless it was a sting $10 mil in war damages not ransom Benjie was the filipino officer doing the talking. He wanted to go in and get the guy Author realized he had to negotiate with benjie “You hate him dont you”, “That’s right” The breakthrough is invisible to counterpart
Trigger a ‘that’s right” with a summary
Benjie was getting to sabaya who would just call and say yes or no. 1. Effective pauses. Have him keep talking until emotions were drained like a swamp 2. Minimal encouragers: besides silence, use ‘yes’, ‘ok’ uh-huh or i see to convey that Benjie was paying attention 3. Mirroring rather than argue 4. Label - it all seems so tragically unfair, i an see why you sound so angry 5. Paraphrase - repeat what sabaya is saying back to him in his own words 6. Summarize - paraphrasing + labeling. “World according to abu sabaya”. Fully and completely summarize all the nonsense he had come up with. The only possible response for sabaya would be that’s right Sabaya got lax and the American escaped.
That’s right is great but if ‘you’re right’ nothing changes
Tried to explain to his son that he had to dodge blocks. He kept saying ‘you’re right’. It’s what you say to someone who is bothering you.
Using that’s right to make the sale
Pharma rep asked about the doctors patients instead of the drug. The doctor summarized the intricacies and problems in treatment. She mirrored and labeled saying “You seem to tailor specific treatments and medications for each patient.” Once the doctor had signaled trust, she could tout the product attributes
Using ‘That’s Right’ For Career Success
Student went back to work after mba. He asked his boss why he wanted him back at the old job. Label and mirrored. His boss would be up for a promotion in2 years and needed someone at headquarters
Key Lessons
“Sleeping in the same bed and dreaming different dreams” Intimacy of partnership without the communication necessary to sustain it. Bad marriages and bad negotiations - The more a person feels understood and positive affirmed in that understanding, the strong the urge for constructive behavior - That’s right is better than yes - Use a summary to trigger a that’s right
Chapter 6 Bend Their Reality
After 2004 rebellion, 8-10 people were kidnapped every day in a country of 10 million. Kidnappings were almost always business, not for political gains When someone calls saying they’ll kill your relative it seems impossible to find leverage in the situation so you pay the ransom.
Don’t compromise
If taught to look for win-win then 75k is the compromise. Win-win at best satisfies neither side and if the counterpart has a win lose approach you are setting up to be swindled.
No deal > bad deal Bad deal in kidnapping is paying and no one comes out. Think of the husband and wife differing on black and brown shoes. Compromise of one brown and black is worst.
The author argues we don’t compromise because its right, we compromise because it’s easy and saves face. Creative solutions are precede by some degree of risk and conflict.
Deadlines: Make Time your Ally
Deadlines regularly make people say and do impulsive things that are against their best interests What about a deadline causes anxiety? The perception of the loss we’ll incur in the future
Has a missed deadline had negative repercussions? They are often arbitrary, flexible and rarely trigger the consequences we think. no deal is better than a bad deal gives you as much time as you need
Kidnappers wanted to be paid before the weekend so they could party
You might want to keep your own deadlines secret but that puts you in the worst possible position. The other side thinks it has more time holding out for more. If you hide a deadline you are negotiating with yourself
No Such Thing as Fair
Proposer and accepter. Proposer gets $10 offers accepter round number. If accepter agrees they get proposed, proposer gets the rest. If offer refused they both get nothing.
No split is the most common. The reasoning each and every student used was 100% irrational and emotional. **if you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong” The proposer should offer $1 and accepter should accept because it’s better than 0.
In Descartes Error: Emotion, Reason. And the human brain, people who had damage in the part of the brain where emotions are generated couldn’t make decisions. Decision making is governed by emotion
The F-Word; Why it’s so powerful, when to use it, and how
Most powerful word is FAIR People comply if they feel they’ve been treated fairly The nuclear issue today for Iranians is not nuclear, it’s defending their integrity as an independent identity 3 ways people drop the F-bomb 1. Manipulation that destabilizes other side “we just want what’s fair”. Triggers feelings of defensiveness. Lead to irrational concession. Best response is “okay I apologize. Let’s go back to where I started treating you unfairly and fix it” 2. Counterpart accuses you “we’ve given you a fair offer.” “Fair? It seems like you’re ready to provide the evidence that supports that” 3. “I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times so please stop me at any time if you feel I’m being unfair and we’ll address it.”
How to Discover the emotional drivers behind what the other party values
Sales job is an emotional framing job A baby sitter sells a relaxed evening not child care
Bend their reality
Prospect theory - principle of our irrational decisions How people choose between options that involve risk Drawn to a sure thing over probabilities even when prob is a better choice. Certainty effect & loss aversion To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.
1. Anchor their Emotions
Basics of empathy, accusation audit
2. Let the other guy Go First… Most of The Time
Let other side anchor monetary negotiations Especially when you don’t know the market value
You have to watch out for the other party being a shark and giving an extreme anchor to bend your reality. Then come back with just absurd Your reputation proceeds you so avoid the shark game
3. Establish a range
“At top places like X corp people get between 130 and 170” People who hear extreme anchors adjust their expectations and would offer 130 since its so cheap next to 170 If you offer a range, expect them to come in on the low end
4. Pivot to nonmonetary terms
Don’t get hung up on how much Offer things that aren’t important to you but could be to them. Memphis bar association offered low but added putting him on the cover of the magazine
5. When you do talk numbers, use odd ones
Numbers that end in 0 feel like temporary placeholders. Numbers like $37263 feel calculated
6. Surprise with a gift
Reciprocity if you offer a gift “How are we supposed to pay if you’re going to hurt her?” “How can I come up with that kind of money?” 50k -> 25k offered 3k, countered 10k, offered 4751 Cousin then offered a new portable cd stereo and 4751. Kidnappers said yes
how to negotiate a better salary
Be pleasantly persistent on non salary terms
Asking with a big smile, for an extra week of vacation. They were handcuffed on vacation and she was so delightful, she had introduced a nonmonetary variable they countered by increasing her salary offer
Salary terms without success terms is a Russian roulette
Once you’ve negotiated a salary, define success and metrics for your next raise. Define success in relation to your boss’s supervision
Spark their interest in your success and gain an un-official mentor
Sell yourself as more than a body, sell yourself, your success, as a way they can validate their own intelligence and broadcast it.
“What does it take to be successful here?” They will watch to see if you follow their advice
Key Lessons
We are emotional, irrational beasts who are emotional and irrational in predictable, pattern-filled ways. - All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs - Splitting the different is one black and brown shoe. Don’t compromise - Deadlines entice people to do impulsive things against their best interest. No deal is better than a bad deal - The F-word is an emotional term, ask them to explain how you are mistreating them - Emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. - People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction
Chapter 7 Create the Illusion of Control
Abu sayyaf was back after kidnapping 20 people. Philippines army and us forces clashed. Kidnappers raped and killed. Biggest failure From this failure, learned that negotiation was coaxing, not overcoming, not debating. Giving him the illusion of control while you in fact were in control Remove hostility from the statement and turn it into a question You can’t leave -> What do you hope to achieve by going?
There is always a team on the other side
FBI director was personally briefing the president every day. Just after 9/11 and he was linked to al queda. If your efforts don’t reach the team behind you’ve got a ‘hope’ based deal.
Avoid a showdown
Things were tit for that and they hadn’t asked to talk to the hostages so they didn’t owe. There is some info you can only get through direct, extended interactions. Needed a way to get things without asking for them. Yes/no dynamic
Suspend Unbelief
One drug dealer kidnapped another drug dealers gf who came to the fbi. Uncoached he asked: “Hey dog, how do I know she’s all right?” Got the kidnapped to volunteer to show proof of life. Genius Doesn’t owe the kidnapper a thing and the kidnapper thinks it’s his idea.
unbelief active resistance to what the other side is saying, complete rejection. Normally where negotiation starts
”Best way to ride a horse is in the direction it’s going”
Get them to stop unbelieving not persuade Robert Estabrook: “He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”
Ask for help and critical that your delivery must convey that. “How am I supposed to do that?”
Calibrate Your Questions
Client wasn’t paying but kept asking for more work. She needed to ask them “how am I supposed to do that?”. She was worried about the implication of it sounding like “you’re screwing me out of money and it has to stop.” The client would hear the words and not the implication as long as she kept calm and kept it as not a threat.
Calibrated once you figure out where a you want a conversation to go, design the q that will ease the conversation in that direction while letting the other guy think it’s his choice
1. Avoid verbs or words like can, is, are, do or does that closed-ended questions that be answered with a “yes” or “no”.
2. “Who, what, where, when why” => what how and sometimes why but why can backfire. Can be accusatory
3. “Why would your company ever change from your long-standing vendor and choose our company?”
Go to calibrated questions
- What about this is important to you?
- How can I help to make this better for us?
- How would you like me to proceed?
- What is it that brought us into this situation?
- How can we solve this problem?
- What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here?
- How am I supposed to do that?
Implication: you want what the other guy wants but need his intelligence to overcome the problem
How NOT To Get Paid
Without self-control and emotional regulation, it doesn’t work. 1. First rule is to bite your tongue, keep away from knee-jerk reactions. Pause, think 2. When verbally assaulted, do not counterattack, disarm by asking a calibrated question 3. Mindfully change your state to something more positive. Lowering the hostage mentality by asking a question or even offering an apology (you’re right. That was a bit harsh)
Key Lessons
The listener has control in a conversation. - Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right - Avoid questions that can be answered yes. You will be expected to give something back - How or what questions. Implicitly asking for help - Bite your tongue - If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable
Chapter 8 Guarantee Execution
Agreement and implementation
Yes is nothing without How
Answer every demand with a question. “How do I know Jose is alive?” How questions put pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers and to contemplate your problems
How are a gentle and graceful way to say “no” and guide to your solution
The art of letting someone else have your way If you push for implementation and get “I’ll try” it means “I plan to fail”
Influencing those behind the table
“How does this affect the rest of your team?” “How on board are the people not on this call?” Deal fell through even though ceo and head of hr were on-board.
Spotting Liars, Dealing with Jerks and Charming Everyone Else
Verbal, para-verbal (how it’s said), and non-verbal A repetitive series of “what” and “how” questions can help you overcome the aggressive tactics
The 7-38-55 Percent Rule
For a message: - 7% based on the words - 38% comes from the tone of voice - 55% comes from the speaker’s body language and face If body language and tone don’t match words possible they are lying
Rule of three
Get the other agree to agree 3 times in the same conversation 1. First time they agree 2. You might label or summarize what they said. “That’s right” 3. Calibrated how or what about implementation. “What do we do if we get off track?”
The Pinocchio effect
Liars use more words and use far more third-person pronouns. Him, her, it, they, their to put distance between I
pay attention to their usage of pronouns
The more they use I, me my the less important they are. A smart negotiator will use we
The Chris Discount
My name is chris. What’s the chris discount? Use your own name. Humanize yourself
how to get your counterparts to bid against themselves
You can do 4 no’s 1. How am I supposed to do that 2. “Your offer is very generous, I’m sorry that just doesn’t work for me” 3. I’m sorry but I’m afraid I just can’t do that. 4. I’m sorry, no (gently)
Key Lessons
- how can I do that as a gentle no
- Players behind the table
- Watch for lairs
- Rule of 3 yes’s
Chapter 9 Bargain Hard
“I’m sorry, this is really embarrassing. I just can’t do that price.” It was 36, author offered 30. Guy came back with 34 said. Wow this is nice still cant do it. Came back with 32.5 and said you win. Author said you’ve been really generous and I can’t thank you enough and the truck is no doubt worth more than my price but I can’t.
Bargaining is not a comfortable dynamic for most people
What Type Are You?
Your personal negotiation style and that of your counterpart is formed through childhood etc. Accommodators, assertive and data-loving analysts
Analyst
Methodical and diligent. Minimizing mistakes. As much time as it takes to get it right They speak in a cold and distant way instead of soothing dj. Hate surprises, will research for 2 weeks instead of 15 min at the table. Hypersensitive to reciprocity so will disengage if you don’t pay back something asap.
Don’t ask too many questions at start and be prepared. They are skeptical. Use data They use silence to think. They think of negotiation and relationship with counterpart as separate The respond well to labels but don’t answer calibrated questions quickly.
Accommodator
Time spent building the relationship Their goal is to be on great terms with their counterpart Want to remain friends even if they can’t reach an agreement
Sociable, peace-seeking, optimistic, distractible and poor time managers
If they are your counterpart, be sociable and friendly. Listen to their ideas and offer calibrated questions. Uncovering their objections can be difficult. They will leave those areas unaddressed out of fear of conflict.
If you are accommodator bring up your objections and watch out for chit chat
Assertive
Believes time is money. For them getting the solution perfect isn’t as important as getting it done. They are direct and candid, aggressive communication style. Don’t worry about future interactions, business relationships are respect and nothing more.
They want to be heard and can’t listen to you until they know that you’ve heard them. They focus on their own goals rather than people.
Mirrors are effective. Calibrated questions, labels and summaries too. Get a ‘that’s right’.
They give an inch and expect a mile.
Identifying
Each handles silence differently. Everyone thinks “I am normal” so hard to tell their own and each others. Black swan rule treat others the way they need to be treated Author has a pdf for determining your type http://info.blackswanltd.com/3-types
Taking a Punch
Academics think its all rational. Talk about zone of possible agreement ZOPA
You want counterpart to lead with extreme anchor. Deflect with how am I supposed to accept that or what are we trying to accomplish here “What else would you be able to offer to make that a good price for me?”
Instead of naming a price, allude to an incredibly high number that someone else might charge.
Punching Back
When the negotiation is far from resolution, you need to shake things up. Sometimes it calls for you to be the aggressor. Here are ways to aggressive smartly
Real anger, threats without anger, and strategic umbrage
Expressions of anger increase a negotiators advantage but may lead to implementation problems because of bad concessions.
Fake, unfelt anger leads to destroying trust.
When someone offers a ridiculous offer, take a breath and say “I don’t see how that would ever work” “I’m sorry that just doesn’t work for me”
Why questions
Why would you do that, but the that favors you. “Why would you ever change from your existing supplier?” “I feel <> when you <> because <>” demands a timeout from the other person.
No neediness: having the ready to walk mindset
Once you’re clear on your bottom line, you have to be ready to walk away The person across the table is not the problem, the unsolved issue is
Ackerman Bargaining
Offer-counteroffer method
1. Set your target price (your goal)
2. Set your first offer at 65% of your target price
3. Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, to 95 and 100)
4. Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “No” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer
5. Use 37893 rather than 38000
6. On your final number, throw in a non monetary item (they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit
People feel good about getting concessions
Key Lessons
- Identify your counterparts negotiating style
- Prepare, prepare, pare, you fall to your highest level of preparation. Game out labels, calibrated questions and responses to get there
- Get ready to take a punch. Prepare your dodge tactics
- Set boundaries, learn to take a punch or punch back
Ackerman plan with offers 65, 85, 85, 100 make them believe they are squeezing you