Atlas Of The Heart

Jason Varbedian

June 24, 2022

Synopsis

Brené Brown is a medical expert on emotions. She has put together a comprehensive survey of emotions and feelings in this book. She ties them together with excellent antecdotes.

Who Should Read This Book?

Everyone should read this book. Knowing about an emotion helps us name, understand and feel our emotions deeper and stronger. It also helps identify useful and not so useful emotions.

Book Notes

Preface

She grew up in a family where nothing was normalized. If no one is talking about it you assume it must be you. Socially acceptable places for rage were sports events and road rage When the author was a kid she could predict how people would behave. Got to be the swim coaches favorite "People would do almost anything to not feel pain, including causing pain and abusing power, and I understood that there were very few people who could handle being held accountable for causing hurt without rationalizing, blaming or shutting down" Holding someone accountable and them feeling shame is not the same as shaming someone

What we feel is shaped by our ability to name and understand it

80% of emotion experts agree there are universal voice and facial expression signals that reflect our emotional experience

Did a focus group and then a group of emotion experts to find all the important emotions

Stressed and Overwhelmed

Stressed

is in the weeds. Overwhelmed is being blown (working at a restaurant)

We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demand as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.

Emotions are responding to how my "thinking" assessment of how well I can handle something.

Overwhelmed

means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function

Things are unfolding faster than my nervous system can manage

Anxiety

Escalating loss of control, worst case scenario thinking and imagery and total uncertainty

"You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety"

Anxiety can be both a state and a trait.

Intolerance for uncertainty are more likely to experience anxiety

Leads to worry or avoidance which aren't effective. Worry is described as a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future.

Trying to suppress sorry thoughts strengthens and reinforces worry

"It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance…avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you feel less afraid"

Excitement

is described as an energized state of enthusiasm leading up to or during an enjoyable activity, it doesn't always feel great. Labeling the emotion as excitement hinges on interpreting the bodily sensations as positive

Dread

occurs frequently in response to high probability negative events; its magnitude increases as the dreaded event draws closer

Fear

is a negative short-lasting, high alert emotion in response to a perceived threat, and like anxiety, it can be measured as a state or trait.

Vulnerability

is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Its our greatest measure of courage

Comparison

is not an emotion. Falls outside of our awareness. It's a creativity killer. The crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other. It's trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out. "Be like everyone else, but better".

Due to the physics of how grass grows it is greener on the other side. We are hard wired to comparison. look at the person in the next lane and say have a great swim.

Admiration

when someone's abilities, accomplishments, or character inspires us, or when we see something else that inspired us like art or nature.

Makes us want to be better, not necessarily like that thing.

Reverence

sometimes called admiration, worship, or veneration, is a deeper form of admiration or respect and is often combined with a sense of meaningful connection with something greater than ourselves

Fosters a desire to connect to what we revere

Envy

occurs when we want something that another person has.

Jealousy

is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.

90% of envy is:

Attraction (physical, romantic or social)
Competence (intelligence, knowledge
Wealth

Sometimes envy is hostile, sometimes it's not.

Jealously appears to be a cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger.

"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the flavor, too much can spoil"

Resentment

is part of envy not anger. Feeling of frustration, judgement, anger, "better than", and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It's an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can't control, like what other people think, what they feel or how they're going to react.

When I feel resentful, think what do I need but am afraid to ask for.

Schadenfreude

pleasure or joy derived from someone else's suffering or misfortune. Involves counter empathy. When someone is held accountable that's not schadenfreude if it's empathy with the victim.

Freudenfruede

enjoyment of another's success. Depressed people exhibit deficiencies in freudenfruede

Shoy intentionally sharing the joy of someone relating a success story by showing interest and asking follow up questions

Bragitude intentionally tying words of gratitude toward the listener following discussion of personal successes

Chapter 3 places we go when things don't go as planned

Boredom, disappointment, expectations, regret, discouragement, resignation, frustration

Boredom

is the uncomfortable state of wanting to engage in satisfying activity but being unable to do it

When we have control over our boredom, we feel lethargic. When given boring stuff by others can wind us up.

Boring can be good. It allows our minds to wander, daydream and create.

"Boredom is your imagination calling to you"

Disappointment

is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.

Unexamined and unexpressed expectations are stealth expectations.

It takes a toll on us and our relationships.

"When it's just me with the kids, I have no expectations for getting my own stuff done. I give up my to-do lost so I can actually enjoy the craziness."

Ask each other "what do you want this weekend to look like"

It's hard to ask for rest and play but doesn't stop from expecting.

Painting done means fully walking through my expectations of what the completed task will look like

Didn't have stuff up for her birthday. She said "if I have to ask, it's not worth it." "If you're not asking for what's important to you, maybe it's because you don't think you are worth it."

Examined and expressed expectations

Powerful to hear "you had such courage to apply for that promotion and even more courage to be honest about how much you wanted it."

Fully enjoy every moment now. Lean into good things. Painful but not long lasting unless too many.

Regret

we believe the outcome was caused by our decisions or actions.

In the short term regret actions we took, long term actions we didn't take.

"What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. When I responded…sensibly"

90% fall into education, career, romance, parenting, self-improvement and leisure

Regret is reflection. Call to courage and wisdom

Regret most are our failures of courage. Show up, say what we feel, set boundaries, say yea to something scary

Discouraged

I'm losing my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort — I'm losing the motivation and confidence to persist

Resigned

I've lost my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort.

Frustrated

Something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome

Chapter 4: Places We Go When It's Beyond Us**

Awe, wonder, confusion, curiosity, interest, surprise

Wonder

inspires the wish to understand; awe inspires the wish to let shine, to acknowledge and to unite. When feeling awe we tend to simply sit back and observe

Wonder fuels our passion. Awe leads people to cooperate

Confusion

Optimal confusion. Epistemically emotion. Critical to knowledge acquisition and learning

The brain needs to feel some discomfort while learning (not all unpleasant learning is effective).

Too much confusion leads to frustration, giving up, disengagement, or even boredom.

Curiosity and Interest

Are they the same thing? Researchers don't agree. Difference between thinking and feeling, between who we are and what we're doing.

Interest

is a cognitive openness to engaging with a topic or experience.

Curiosity

is recognizing a gap in our knowledge about something that interests us, and becoming emotionally & cognitively invested in closing that gap through exploration and learning. Curiosity often starts with interest and can range from mild curiosity to passionate investigation.

We have to have some awareness. Not curious about something we know nothing about

Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable. Requires us to surrender to uncertainty.

Surprise

an interruption caused by information that doesn't fit with our current understanding or expectations. It causes us to reevaluate

Shortest duration emotion

Chapter 5 Places We go when things aren't what they seem**

What happens when we feel two competing emotions?

Complexity is one of our greatest teachers. Sometimes we don't have the skills or experience to tolerate the ambiguity. There's nothing more limiting than tapping out of the tension and oversimplifying the thoughts and feelings they have the power to help us understand who we are and what we need

We can learn to recognize complexity as a signal of credibility. We can fight our tendency to accept binaries. When journalists acknowledge uncertainties it doesn't undermine their readers trust.

"I'm not sure how I feel. I'm sad, but weirdly also relieved." The uncertainty feels like self awareness

Amusement "pleasurable, relaxed excitation"

Awareness of incongruity. We feel playful. Appeals to sense of humor.

Bittersweet is a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness.

Not the same as ambivalent. Maybe that emotions are rapidly vacillating below our consciousness, but we experience it integrated. Not really experienced until 7 or 8

Nostalgia

frequent, primarily positive, context-specific bittersweet emotion that combines elements of happiness and sadness with a sense of yearning and loss. Yearning for the ways things used to be in our often idealized and self protective version of the past.

Origins of the term have a dark Swiss history. Was considered a disease and psychiatric disorder until early 19th century.

Mostly triggered by negative moods like loneliness and trying to find meaning in our current lives

Double edge sword. Connection and disconnection

What's spoken "I wish things were the way they used to be in the good ol days"

Not spoken: when people knew their place

Rumination

involuntarily focus on negative and and pessimistic thoughts

Reflection

"highly adaptive and psychologically healthy"

Worry is the future. Ruminating is the past. Things we're stuck on. It's a strong predictor of depression, makes us more likely to pay attention to negative things, and zaps our motivation to do things that would improve how we feel.

Cognitive Dissonance

The state of tension that occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other.

Mistakes were made (but not by me)

"Human beings engage in all kinds of cognitive gymnastics aimed at justifying their own behavior"

The energy and tension required to self justify is an unpleasant feeling which is cognitive dissonance.

Produces mental discomfort from minor pangs to deep anguish.

When we are faced with information that challenges what we believe, our first instinct is to make the discomfort, irritation, and vulnerability go away by resolving the dissonance. Rejecting the new info, decreasing it's importance, or avoiding

The ability to rethink and unlearn

People will double down. See 1950 doomsday cult people got more into it when doomsday didn't happen

Paradox

is not an emotion. Can't be resolved using logic. Need to allow the contradictions to coexist in order to gain deeper understanding.

We're drawn to vulnerability but don't want to show that in ourselves

Genius of the and. Creativity and discipline

Irony and sarcasm

Forms of communication in which the literal meaning of the words is different, often opposite, from the intended message. There may be an element of criticism and humor. Sarcasm is a particular type of irony in which the underlying message is normally meant to ridicule.

The successful comprehension of irony depends on the perceiver's ability to infer other people's mental states.

Try to reserve for playful only. Not when afraid to talk about it. Don't dress in humor what needs clarity and honesty.

Chapter 6 places we go when we are hurting

Anguish

An emotion and experience that is singular. Is an almost unbearable and traumatic swirl of shock, incredulity, grief, and powerlessness.

Takes away our ability to breath. Elements of powerlessness.

Given a letter the night before her quincerna they all fell to the ground in anguish from the grief of the mom.

We can become closed off, never open to vulnerability and its gifts.

The human spirit is resilient and we can rebuild but it takes help and time.

Dark Elegy is a sculpture of 75 pieces each portraying a mother or wife at the moment they heard the awful news of the death of their loved one.

Hope, hopelessness and despair

We need hope like we need air. Hope is a way of thinking, a cognitive process. Made up of a trilogy of goals, pathways, and agency.

We experience hope when:

We have the ability to set realistic #### goals (I know where I want to go)
We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative #### pathways. (I know how to get there, I'm persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try new paths again and again).
We have #### agency -- we believe in ourselves ( I can do this)

Hope is a function of struggle -- we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times. But through adversity and discomfort.

Hope is learned. Children learn the habit of hope from their parents. Children who have been given the opportunity to struggle, and in doing that they learn how to believe in themselves and their abilities.

Hopelessness and despair can pose serious threats to our well-being.

Hope is not an emotion but hopelessness and despair are.

Hopelessness

Arises out of a combination of negative life events and negative thought patterns, particularly self-blame and the perceived inability to change our circumstances. The pathways are closed, don't know our goals, don't feel like we can do anything about it. Can apply to a specific situation.

Despair

Is a sense of hopelessness about a person's entire life and future. When extreme hopelessness seeps into all the corners of our lives and combines with extreme sadness, we feel despair.

"The belief that tomorrow will be just like today."

Take the same out of having to start over many, many times when our first plan fails. Setting realistic goals is a skill and a pre-requisite for hope.

Getting intentional about setting goals, thinking through pathways, and believing in ourselves. Martin Seligman's research on resilience, 3 Ps: personalization, permanence, and pervasiveness.

Personalization

Self-blame and criticism don't lead to increased hopefulness, they're quicksand. Realizing that outside factors play a role in our struggles can give us a different lens.

Permanence

Practice thinking about the temporary nature of most setbacks as a part of how we look at adversity on a daily basis. "I'm really scared, worried, overwhelmed, stressed about what's happening. Will this issue be a big deal in five minutes? Five hours? Five days? Five months? Five years?" If nothing else thinking instead of fear brain

Pervasiveness

sometimes we fall into the trap believing that whatever we're up against has stained or changed every single thing in our life. Nothing good is left. This isn't true.

Sadness

Asked for favorite sad movies. Asked why they loved them. "So relatable." "what it means to be human." "I felt less alone." Sadness is important and we need it. Normal response to loss and defeat.

Sadness and depression are not the same thing. Sadness is a common but not essential feature of clinical depression. Depression is a cluster of symptoms that persist over a period of time. Can include: lack of interest in pleasant activities, loss of appetite, excessive fatigue and/or insomnia, and difficult concentrating.
Sadness and grief are not the same thing. Grief involves a whole group of emotions and experiences
There are positive aspects to sadness. Sad people are less prone to judgmental errors. Sometimes more motivated. Can act with more generosity. Forgas "Evolutionary theory suggests that we should embrace all of our emotions, as each has an important role to play under the right circumstances." Sadness causes the person to evaluate their life and consider making changes in their circumstances. Recruit help and support from others.
There's a reason we love sad movies. We like to be moved. We like to feel connected to what is to be human.

Grief

Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, it has a lot in common with love.

"A central process in grieving is the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss."

Loss

loss of normality, what could be, what we thought we understood

Longing

not conscious wanting; it's an involuntary yearning for wholeness, for understanding, for meaning, for the opportunity to regain or even simply touch what we've lost. Vital part of grief

Feeling Lost

reorient every part of our lives

Difficult to articulate these experiences to the people around us

The center for complicated grief at Columbia

Grief finds a place in our lives

People need their Grier to be witnessed. Fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining

7 Places we go with others

Compassion and empathy

Some argue that compassion is the best response some empathy and some preferred in different circumstances.

Whats the most effective way to be in connection with and in service to someone who is struggling, without taking on their issues as our own?

How we, the collective, use language is more than an arbitrary definition.

Compassion is a daily practice and empathy is a skill set that is one of the most powerful tools of compassion.

Cognitive empathy

Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering. Compassion includes action. Not just feeling, its doing.

We're all made of strength and struggle

When we practice compassion, we can expect to experience our fear of pain. We draw from the wholeness of our experience. It's not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. Its a relationship between equals.

Sit with your kids in the dark and show them how to feel discomfort.

Pity

The near enemy of compassion. Pity sees them as different from ourselves.

There's nothing worse than feeling pitied. Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person's suffering.

Empathy

is the most powerful tool of compassion, an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding.

Cognitive empathy -- the ability to recognize and understand another person's emotions.

Affective empathy -- is one's own emotional attunement with another person's experience.

Cognitive is understand and reaching back to when we felt that to understand and connect. Affective empathy is feeling the same loneliness which is a slippery slope.

Attributes of empathy:

Perspective taking: what does that concept mean for you? What is the experience like for you?
Staying out of judgement: just listen, don't put value on it
Recognizing emotion: how can I touch within myself something that helps me identify and connect with what the other person might be feeling? Check in and clarify what you are hearing. Ask questions
Communicating our understanding about the emotion: sometimes this is elaborate and detailed, and sometimes this is simply "shit that's hard. I get that"
Practicing mindfulness: this is not pushing away emotion because it's uncomfortable, but feeling it and moving through it.

Believe you even when it doesn't match my experiences.

Sympathy

Near enemy of empathy. Form of disconnection. When they say "That must be terrible" they are standing at a safe distance. Rather then me too, its not me. Can trigger shame

Compassion fatigue

emotional exhaustion or burnout that can occur among caregivers. When they focus on their own personal distress reaction rather than on the experience of the person they are caring for.

"how can I be empathic with someone if I haven't had their experience?" exposes a dangerous myth about empathy. Empathy is not relating to an experience. It's connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience. "oh ya I know that feeling, I'm not going to fall into it right now but I know it can communicate"

Empathy misses

Sympathy vs empathy. I feel sorry for you vs I get it, I feel with you, ive been there
Judgement: you should feel shame. The friend gasps and confirms how horrified you should be
Disappointment: you've let me down. They can't help you because they are too disappointed in your imperfections
Discharging discomfort with blame: this feels terrible. Who can we blame? You? Shame is contagious so to discharge discomfort look to place blame
Minimize/avoid: let's make this go away. You're exaggerating, it wasn't that bad. Everyone loves you
Comparing/competing: "if you think that's bad" confuses connecting with one-upping you
Speaking truth to power: don't upset people or make them uncomfortable. You hold someone accountable for language or behavior that marginalizes or dehumanizes others and someone says "I cant believe you said that to your boss" instead of "that must have been hard -- you were really brave"
Advice giving/problem solving: "I can fix this and I can fix you." sometimes when we see pain our first instinct is to fix. Listen and be with people

Boundaries

We can't connect with someone unless we're clear about where we end and they begin. The distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.

Hold people accountable for their behavior.

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

Explain what is ok and not ok.

It's ok to change your mind, not ok to assume that I'm ok with the changes without talking to me.

Comparative Suffering

Empathy is not finite and compassion is not limited. My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over missing your daughter's wedding"

The other person doesn't benefit more if you reserve your concern.

Sharing how we feel is ok as long as it's with a little perspective.

Hurt is hurt

Chapter 8 Places we go when we fall short

Shame, self-compassion, perfectionism, guilt, humiliation, embarrassment

"science is not the truth. It's finding the truth"

Connection between humiliation and violence. Shame and humiliation will never be effective social justice tools.

The role self-compassion plays in moving through shame and how perfectionism is a function of shame.

Quick definitions:

Shame Defintion I am bad. The focus is on self, not behavior. The result is feeling flawed and unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame is not driver of positive change. "I'm so stupid"

Guilt Definition I did something bad. The focus is on behavior. Guilt is the discomfort we feel when we evaluate what we've done or failed to do against our values. It can drive positive change and behavior.

"Going to the party instead of studying was stupid"

Humiliation Definition I've been belittled and put down by someone. This left me feeling unworthy of connection and disgusted with myself. This was unfair and I didn't deserve this. With shame, we believe that we deserve our sense of unworthiness. With humiliation we don't feel we deserve it.

"everyone laughs at you. You feel dumb and enraged."

Embarrassment Definition I did something that made me feel uncomfortable, but I know I'm not alone. Everyone does these kind of things. Embarrassment is fleeting, sometimes funny.

Your teacher is handing out quizzes and you come back from the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

Shame

the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefor unworthy of love, belonging and connection** if given the choice, I'd have picked a beating over being shamed.

Emotion we all experience and all hate talking about.

We all have it. Universal and most primitive
We're all afraid to talk about it.
The less we talk about it, the more control it has over us.

Shame is our fear of disconnection. The fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to makes us unworthy of connection.

If we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates.

Self-compassion is the first step forward. Be kind to ourselves before we can share our stories with someone else.

3 parts:

Self-kindness - recognize failures are inevitable so be gentle rather than angry

common humanity - suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience. Something that we all go through

mindfulness - non-judgmental, receptive mind state. Observes thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to deny them.

www.self-compassion.org

Self-kindness is both more difficult and more revolutionary than we think.

Four elements of shame resilience

Four practices when overcoming shame

Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers can you physically recognize. Can't pretend it's not happening

Practicing critical awareness can you reality check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable?

Reaching out: are you owning and sharing your story? Can't experience empathy if we're not sharing.

Speaking shame: are you talking about how you feel

Shame in culture we misuse it all the time. Attribute unconscionable behavior to a lack of shame. It's normally the cause of that behavior. Narcissism could be defined as the shame-based fear of being ordinary

More accountability for behavior and lack of empathy

Shame is more likely to drive bad behavior then heal it. It's the opposite of empathy

Shame is egocentric, draws focus inwards

Perfectionism

self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: if I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame.

It's about earning approval and acceptance

Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Healthy striving for our best is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven "what will people think"

Mastery requires thinking of mistakes as opportunities for learning

"life paralysis" all the opportunities we miss because we're too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect.

"it's my fault. I'm feeling this way because I'm not good enough."

Guilt

We experience when we fall short of our own expectations or standards. However, with guilt, our focus is on having done something wrong and on doing something to set things right, like apologizing or changing a behavior.

Empathy and guilt work together to create a force that is adaptive and powerful.

Done or failed to do something against our values. Oppositely, shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can do better

Humiliation

Intensely painful feeling that we've been unjustly degraded, ridiculed, or put down and that our identity has been demeaned or devalued.

Links between peer rejection, humiliation, depression and anger with both suicidal and homicidal ideation.

Not just bullying. Bullying + humiliation.

Humiliation may be the missing link in the search for root causes of political instability and violent conflict...perhaps the most toxic social dynamic of our age.

Shame and humiliation are tools of oppression. "never allow anyone to be humiliated in your presence" - Elie Wiesel

Embarrassment

A fleeting feeling of self-conscious discomfort in response to a minor incident that was witnessed by others.

When we look back, we can see them as kind of funny.

Events that trigger:

Committing a faux pas or social mistake
Being the center of attention, and
Being in a sticky social situation

Secondhand embarrassment is real

Takes years to develop and its emergence coincides with the self-conscious ability to understand what others may be thinking of us

9 Places we go when we search for connection

Belonging and fitting in

We have to belong to ourselves as much as we belong to others.

Loving and belonging are irreducible needs for all people. We are a social species.

Physiological > Safety > Love-Belonging > esteem > self-actualization

When it comes to belonging, what are people trying to achieve or feel?

The only thing that binds us together now is shared fear and disdain

"I can be myself when I know that I'm with people who recognize the inextricable, unnamable, spiritual connection that is shared humanity, because belonging is not in jeopardy."

True belonging requires us to be who we are

When we work to fit in, belonging is tenuous

Belonging

Belonging Definition is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are

Author didn't feel like they belonged in their family being an introvert. Before tik tok

Make children feel like they always belong no matter what

From 5th graders: is being somewhere where you want to be and they want you. Being accepted for you

Fitting in: is being somewhere where you want to be but they don't care one way or the other. Being accepted for being a little like everyone else

When your parents don't pay attention or arent good at the same things as them

Belonging uncertainty

Questioning one's social belongingness.

Quality of fit or potential fit between oneself and a setting.

Post doc social work writing about her experience. Trauma of living most of her life in limbo before daca and getting citizenship followed her into college. Created a group for undocumented students.

Diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging

DEIB instead of just DEI

Connection and disconnection

Grounded theory research doesn't start with a survey of existing research. Follow the participants of the study where they go. Once you have data then you do an entire literature analysis instead of just a review. To find out what your research supports, refutes and challenges

Relational cultural theory (RCT) Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. People who have strong connections with others are happier, healthier, and better able to cope with the stresses of everyday life.

Connection

is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship

When the less powerful person represents their experience of disconnection and the more powerful one responds to with interest or concern the person feels like they matter and the connection strengthens

When disconnection is not addressed, frequently occurs in unequal power structures, chronic disconnection and disempowerment arise and the person 'often loses touch with their own feelings and inner experience'

Disconnection with another person can create it within ourselves

Disconnection

is often equated with social rejection, social exclusion, and/or social isolation, and these feelings of disconnection actually share the same neural pathways with feelings of physical pain.

We hide out and pretend we don't need connection anymore

Authenticity is a requirement for belonging

Insecurity

Domain-specific insecurity: occurs when we are insecure about a specific domain or resource in life, for example, food insecurity, financial insecurity, or a lack of physical safety. Combating domain-specific insecurity is about access and resources
Relationship or interpersonal insecurity occurs when we don't feel we have a supportive and trusting relationship. It can happen either in a specific relationship or as an overarching feeling about all of our relationships. It makes us feel uncertain about being loved, trusted, protected, and valued.
General or personal insecurity occurs when we are overly critical of our weaknesses. This may include being overly critical of our body image or our performance at work.

The opposite is self-security

Invisibility

a function of disconnection and dehumanization, where an individual or group's humanity and relevance are unacknowledged, ignored, and/or diminished in value or importance

Being viewed of a symbol of your group without being recognized as an individual

Loneliness

Perceived social isolation. When we feel disconnected. Absence of meaningful social interaction – an intimate relationship, friendships, family gatherings, or even community or work group connections

To grow up is not to become autonomous and solitary, its to become the one others can depend on

We derive strength from our collective ability to plan, communicate, and work together.

Interdependence over independence

Hunger tells us when hungry, thirst when need water, loneliness when we need social connection

Being pushed to the outside means less empathy, more defensiveness, more numbing and less sleeping. Loneliness -> continued loneliness

Living with air pollution increased your odds of dying early by 5 percent, obesity 20%, excessive drinking 30%, living with loneliness 45%

Loneliness was in the background of clinical illness, contributing to disease and making it harder for patients to heal

Chapter 10 Places we go when the heart is open**

Love

We learn love is important but we see little indication that it informs decisions

"the preoccupying and strong desire for further connection, the powerful bonds people hold with a select few and the intimacy that grows between them, the commitments to loyalty and faithfulness"

There is debate if love is an emotion. Among non researchers it is definitely an emotion.

Capable of feeling love in many different contexts

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from offering with trust, respect kindness, and affection
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them -- we can love others only as much as we love ourselves
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they're acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Lovelessness

Teaching To Transgress

Injustice and systemic oppression stems from a deep collective lovelessness

Calls for love ethic

Fear of radical change leads many citizens of our nation to betray their minds and hearts

Heartbreak

It's its own thing. Disappointment nor failure grow into heartbreak. Can only be broken by someone who I have given my heart. It's what happens when love is lost. Unrequited love can be heart breaking. Death of a loved one is heart breaking. Death of something unique in someone I love. Children being children.

To love with any level of intensity and honesty is to become vulnerable. The only thing you can tell a new couple is that they would hurt each other. To love is to know the loss of love.

Every time we love, we risk heartbreak.

The brokenhearted are the bravest among us -- they dared to love. And it's worth it.

Trust

Choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions. Distrust as a general assessment that "what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation)"

BRAVING:

Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and when you're not clear about what's okay and not okay, you ask. You're willing to say no.

Reliability: You do what you say you'll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don't overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.

Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize and make amends.

Vault: You don't share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you're not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.

Integrity: You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.

Nonjudgement: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgement. We can ask each other for help without judgement.

Generosity: You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.

Self-trust: the first casualty of failure or mistakes.

Betrayal: at its core is a violation of trust.

Most common types include affairs or cheating, lying, betraying confidences, and rejecting or abandoning a partner.

Self-betrayal can also lead to anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, jealousy, decreased self-worth, embarrassment, humiliation, shame and even trauma symptoms

Institutional betrayal - an institution causes harm to an individual who trusts or depends upon that institution

It's possible to heal betrayal, but it's rare because it requires significant courage and vulnerability to hear the pain we've caused without becoming defensive. The only way back is accountability, amends, and action. Acknowledging without rationalizing or making excuses.

We're better as individuals and as a culture at shaming and blaming than we are at actual accountability.

Defensiveness

A way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem.

Fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth.

To limit our exposure to info that differs from how we think of ourselves, we get defensive and over justify, make excuses, minimize, blame, discredit, discount, refute, and reinterpret.

Ask people when they received difficult feedback what emotions were feeling and what their bodies were doing. They often cannot remember exactly because many of us go into fight or flight mode in these situations.

Subtly open palms. I'm sorry can you say that again. I really want to understand. "I'm sorry. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm going to get a glass of water. Can we sit down in ten minutes and start again?"

Flooding

A sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.

Take a break when the level of negativity gets too high.

Fighting together seemed less painful than hurting alone.

Knowing we are coming back to the discussion reassures the author.

Chronic flooding leads us to dread communicating.

Hurt individuals who are hurt experience a combination of sadness at having been emotionally wounded and fear of being vulnerable to harm. When people feel hurt, they have appraised something that someone said or did as causing them emotional pain.

Nothing braver than "My feelings are hurt"

We get pissed off, or hurt back or internalize until we believe we deserve it.

It's impossible to be in a relationship and avoid feeling hurt

Hurt feelings are most often caused by people close

The more intentional it's perceived the more hurtful it feels

Hurt is often felt with other emotions but it is its own.

When we respond to hurt feelings with anger, the other person matches with anger

"I'm so pissed off right now because you're a jerk but I'm going to say that my feelings are hurt so you apologize right this second."

Chapter 11 Places We go when life is good

Joy

Joy is sudden, unexpected, short-lasting, and high-intensity. It's characterized by a connection with others or with God, nature, or the universe. Joy expands our thinking and attention, and it fills us with a sense of freedom and abandon.

Joy is an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure and appreciation. The good mood of the soul. While experiencing joy, we may become more truly ourselves.

No consensus in the research when it comes to defining happiness. It's used an overarching term to describe an entire realm of positive emotions.

Happiness

is stable, longer lasting and normally the result of effort. It's lower in intensity than joy, and more self-focused. With happiness, we feel a sense of being in control. Unlike joy, which is more internal, happiness seems more external and circumstantial.

Trait part of who we are

State something we experience

State of happiness - feeling pleasure often related to the immediate environment or current circumstances

Calm - creating perspective and mindful while managing emotional reactivity

Calm is an intention. Do we want to infect people with more anxiety, or heal ourselves and the people around us with calm?
Do we match the pace of anxiety, or do we slow things down with breath and tone?
Do we have al the information we need to make a decision or form a response? What do we need to ask or learn?

Do I have enough information to freak out?

Will freaking out help?

Contentment

the feeling of completeness, appreciation, and "enoughness" that we experience when our needs are satisfied.

When you practice contentment you can say to yourself "oh yes- I already have everything that I really need."

Low arousal and high arousal emotions. Contentment is low-arousal positive emotion.

"All things considered, how satisfied are you with your life as a whole these days?"

Does it mean we should get out and do new things or stop taking for granted what we have and feel real contentment

Gratitude

an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.

Good for us physically, emotionally, and mentally. Deep appreciation for what we value and brings meaning to our lives.

Robert emmons is the leading expert on gratitude

Positive emotions wear off quickly. Our systems like newness & change.

Gratitude allows us to participate more in life. Notice positives more, and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life. Celebrate goodness instead of adapting to goodness. We become greater participants in our lives as opposed to spectators.

We must make gratitude a practice to experience it's full power. Gratitude journals, art, check-ins.

"I am grateful for…"

Foreboding Joy

afraid to lean into good news, wonderful moments, and joy -- if you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop -- you are not alone. It's called foreboding joy, and most of us experience it.

95% of parents experience it with their children.

When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.

Try to substitute foreboding with gratitude

Relief

feelings of tension leaving the body and being able to breathe more easily, thoughts of the worst being over and being safe for the moment, resting, and wanting to get on to something else.

Sighing signals reliefs and enhances relief and reduces muscle tension

Tranquility

absence of demand, "no pressure to do anything"

Restorative environment: a sense of getting away, a feeling of immersion, holding attention without effort, and compatibility with one's preferences.

Contentment we feel the sense of having completed something. With tranquility, we relish the feeling of doing nothing.

Chapter 12 places we go when we feel wronged

Anger

something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there's a violation of the way things should be. We believe that someone or something else is to blame for an unfair or unjust situation and that something can be done to resolve the problem.

It's an action emotion and can vary in intensity.

It's a full contact emotion because it can activate our nervous system and hijack our thoughts and behaviors.

Regulating and coping with anger is crucial for the health of our brain. Anger might be hereditary

What I've learned, unlearned, and continue to learn about anger

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